This time was different...I would complete one task, and then just sit and stare at the mess...do another, and more staring...this persisted all day long! I began to wonder if this closet was ever going to get put back together?
"Why is this so difficult?" "Why can't I seem to decide what to keep and what to get rid of?" "What am I afraid of?" These are just a few of the many questions that I was asking the Lord throughout the process.
Why So Difficult?
You see, there are a lot of items stored in Brianne's closet that are not currently in use, but bring back many painful memories...memories that I'd just as soon forget! Oxygen tanks and tubing...feeding pump and bags...CPAP machine...syringes from numerous hospital stays...the preemie clothes that she once wore...It's amazing how the sight of these items can take me right back to that place. I feel the raw emotions, I hear the sounds and I can even smell the smells that were so much a part of our lives at that time.
What to Get Rid of, What to Keep?
With the unbelievable cost of medical supplies and the concerns about how the new healthcare laws will affect what our insurance provides, we have become very proficient in recycling items that can be used again. But when do we have enough? How much is too much? How far past the expiration date is it safe to use this? Will we ever need this again?
What am I Afraid of?
This is probably the most important question! To be honest, I am afraid sometimes! I am afraid that there will come a day in the future when Brianne will need these unused items once again. I am afraid that the relative health that Bri has experienced over these past several years will suddenly take a downturn. I know that this is not an irrational fear. Since last year, 2 of Brianne's sweet friends and classmates from school are officially "homebound" and have been added to the sadly growing list of "hospice patients." We have no guarantees that this will not one day be in our future, but we have no reason to believe that it will be in our future either. Basically, Bri's life is no different than ours...only God knows her future!
Got 'Er Done!
With much encouragement from the Lord, I did finally finish the closet project, and He reminded me of several promises in His Word that I can hang on to when I am tempted to "go there" in the future!
Worrying does not change my circumstances nor does it benefit me!
Matthew 6:25 - 34
This is a reminder not to worry about provision in regards to the future. Our responsibility is to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and His responsibility is to provide everything that we need!
His grace is enough for whatever I might face!
2 Corinthians 12:7 - 10
This is reminder from Paul when he asked the Lord 3 times to have the thorn in his flesh removed...But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Fear does not come from God!
2 Timothy 1:7
For God did not give you a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.
Remembering is a Good Thing!
Deut. 5:15
Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the Lord your God brought you out of there with mighty hand and an outstretched arm.
Psalm 77:11
I will remember the deeds of the Lord: yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
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