Change is Not a 4-letter Word!

When I wrote this for our Christmas letter just one month ago, I had no idea how my words would be tested...

"I’ve been thinking about the crazy weather patterns that we’ve been experiencing…the extreme temperatures…changing from air conditioning to heat in the same day…trying to decide whether boots or flip flops would be the better choice for the day…sending the kids to school all bundled up in the morning, only for (at least one of) them to return home wet with sweat because “it’s so hot!” Sometimes it seems like change is the only constant in East Texas weather.

There are times when it seems to me like change is the only constant in our lives as well. We have experienced some amazing blessings and surprises from the Lord this past year, but also some losses and challenges. We are continuing on our journey to embrace the good and the bad, the bitter and the sweet, trusting that God knows what’s best for each one of us. As we read in Job, The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. May the name of the Lord be blessed! Job 1:21b We will most likely spend the rest of our lives trying to walk this out, but we want to be like Paul who said in Philippians 4:12, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. Help us Lord!"

It all began with a phone call from the owner of the pediatric nursing agency (that provides respite care for Brianne). "Nina" called and asked if she could come over to talk, and I knew in my gut that this was not just a friendly visit! My fears were confirmed as she informed us that she is retiring, and closing down her nursing agency.

To understand the depth of our relationship, you would have to go back to the very beginning...the first week that Brianne was at home, after spending the initial 9-1/2 months of her life in the NICU. We had been meeting with a local pediatric home care agency for several months discussing discharge planning, and the needs we would have when Brianne was finally sent home. We were assured that everything was in order. This quickly fell apart, when Bri's first night home, the agency notified us that they did not have a nurse to send to us. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, that first week at home was a nightmare in every way!

I began desperately making phone calls, looking for another agency that could provide a night nurse from 10 pm to 6 am, so that I could sleep. After several denials, I spoke with a nurse at an agency that did not currently have a pediatric program, but was very interested in starting one. She was a pediatric nurse by training. This was Nina, our "angel" in the flesh. Nina was still serving the adult population in her present job, so for several months, she would work with adults during the day, and spend the night at our house, taking care of Brianne. She went without sleep for many nights, so that I didn't have to. She eventually hired another nurse to help share the load, but remained one of our primary nurses for a long time.

Over the years, Nina has worked with a few different agencies before she was finally able to open her own. Each time she made a change, we did too. As her company grew, she eventually transitioned from direct patient care to fulfilling the administrative needs of the agency. Even though we didn't "see" her as much after that, we have always "felt" her presence. We have always known that somebody has our backs when it comes to Brianne's care. On the rare occasions that Wade and I have had the opportunity to travel together, Nina has always done her best to provide the nursing care that Brianne has needed to enable us to go. Nina has always treated our kids as her own, and that is why we have always called her "Nina", the name given her by her grandchildren.

As I mentioned in a previous post "He Never Lets Go," I have been trying to mentally prepare for the changes that will be coming when Bri turns 18, and 21! I just wasn't prepared for this change...at least not yet! A feeling of panic washed over me, as I watched Nina's vehicle pull out of our driveway. "Now what are we going to do?" "There will never be another nursing agency that will take care of our needs as well as Nina's." "Lord, HELP!!"

To say that I am not a big fan of change would be a huge understatement! I really like the quote, "If it's not broke, don't fix it." I am quite happy to roll along in my predictable little world, as long as it remains predictable! But one thing I know for sure after walking with the Lord for more than 4 decades, I depend on Him a whole lot less when my life is predictable and planned. Just as soon as the proverbial rug gets pulled out from under me yet again, I am jolted back into the reality that I am dependent upon my Father for my very breath!

There is a reason that this picture hangs in my family room, reminding me on a daily basis,

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD! Psalm 46:10

When I truly quiet myself, I can hear him whisper, "I've got this!"

Another great source of encouragement to my heart at times like this is that HE NEVER CHANGES! He says in Malachi 3:6a I the LORD do not change!

And let me just remind us of a few of the attributes of the God that does not change,

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commands. Deuteronomy 7:9

The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedess, rebellion and sin. Exodus 34:6,7

He Never Lets Go

I have been distracted these past few days...I went to a conference in Houston with my mom last week entitled "The 14th Annual Chronic Illness and Disability:  Transition from Pediatric to Adult-Based Care Conference."  And though, it was a great event, filled with much useful information for the future, it planted a seed of fear in my heart.

You see, our precious Brianne turns 18 in May, and though I have been aware that some things will change at this significant milestone, I was either unaware (or in denial) as to how much will change as our "little girl" becomes an adult.  At some point during this transition between 18-21 years old EVERYTHING changes:  her doctors, her caregivers, her hospital, her insurance, her government benefits, her schooling, etc...

We even have to hire an attorney, and go to court to become her legal guardian...who knew?!  Well actually, that is one of the few things that I did know.

I am grateful to have had the opportunity to become more informed as we begin this transition process.  I believe that in the end it will make the journey easier, but right now, it has left me with more questions than answers...

Will we be able to find an adult Primary Care Physician that loves and cares for Bri as well as our beloved Dr. Rogers? 

Will she continue to get the quality of care that she has received from TX Scottish Rite Hospital for Children and Children's Medical Center Dallas? 

What will she do when she "ages out" of the school system? 

Will we be able to afford her continued care? 

What if something happens to Wade or I? 

As I am tempted to worry myself to a frazzle, I am reminded of Jesus' words in Matthew 6, verses 31-34,

So do not worry, saying "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

While I was jogging this morning, this Matt Redman song came on the radio, and I felt like the Lord was speaking it directly to me:

You Never Let Go

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

(Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
(Chorus 2x's)

Instead of choosing fear and worry, I WILL CHOOSE to trust the Lord with Brianne's future!

I remember the early days of her life when I could not fathom how I would ever cope with all that was before me...I didn't know if she would survive?  And to be perfectly honest, I didn't know if I would survive?  And here we are, nearly 18 years later, because HE NEVER LET GO OF US!

Whatever you are facing today, I pray that the Lord will remind you (as He has reminded me) of His faithfulness in the past, and He will give you courage to face your future!

It Takes a Village!

Wow, my husband has only been gone 72 hours, and I am completely exhausted!  I'm sure it didn't help that this was the week for the semi-annual Children's Clothing Consignment Sale that I have participated in faithfully for more than 10 years.  It's a lot of work to be involved, but has literally saved our family thousands of dollars in clothing, toys, and home furnishing expenses over the years.  When I realized that Wade was going to be gone on a business trip this week, it was not even an option for me to miss the sale.

Instead I put together a plan to try and cover all my bases.  You know what they say about "the best laid plans?"  Well, it certainly has not been without challenges.  Bryant was late for both soccer practices this week, and had to be picked up (by me) walking in the dark to my mom's house after practice one night.  Brianne's wheelchair got stuck in the back of the van at our school drop off (Wade usually takes her to school in his truck), and I required the help of a young teacher to get it out.  I forgot to give Brianne's meds to her before school one morning, and only realized it an hour before the end of the school day.   And unfortunately I have "lost it" emotionally with my kids on more than one occasion.  And did I mention that it's only been 72 hours?

In spite of all the challenges, this picture could have been much more bleak without the help of so many wonderful family and friends who have stepped up to help me.  My friend Carrie has taken Bryant to school each day to give me more time to get Bri ready.  She also took both Brooke and Bryant to AWANAS and Youth Group AND brought them home. My friend Johanna picked Bryant up at school and brought him to me at the Consignment Sale 25 miles away.  Brianne has received wonderful love from our home care nurse Chris when I've had to be away.  My mom came and slept at my house until I got home late last night, and has also helped me with Bri's care.  Our neighbors, the Henry's, picked Brooke up from her volleyball game this week, and also brought us homemade chocolate chip cookies "out of the blue".  How did they know that sugar and chocolate were exactly what I needed to help maintain my sanity this week??!!  And Brooke has received rides home from volleyball practice from her teammate's mom.

All of this help in the past 3 days has caused me to realize 2 things:

1.  My husband is AWESOME!  It's amazing what a little perspective has done once again to help me appreciate the person closest to me.  There are so many things that Wade does each day that I don't even realize until he's gone...we truly do work as a "team," and when my teammate is not here, it is nearly impossible to keep all the balls in the air.

2.  Sometimes we need to ASK for help!   I am completely blessed by the amazing support group that the Lord has put in my life to "have my back" when I am in need.  It truly does "take a village to raise a child."  And I would add to that, "It takes a village to transport a child to everywhere on the planet that they need to be in any given week."

Feeling extremely grateful and counting down the hours until my Honey returns!!

Our Father Knows Best!

I have wandered to this blog site a couple times in the past week, hoping that I would have some deep inspirational thought to pour out on the page.  And all I can think is "I have not posted anything since May 13th...I was afraid that I was going to do this."

I could get very self deprecating for how I have "failed" at this blogging thing, but as my husband likes to remind me repeatedly, "Life is about starting and starting over!" So, here I am starting over.  Maybe we could just say that my blog has taken a looooong summer vacation.

 I received an email from a friend in WI recently who said, "Just read through about 10 of your more recent blogs--needing the encouragement and strength in my own life to run the race that God has set before me."  This was just the nudge I needed to put my hand to the plow (well actually the keypad) once again.

It has been an emotionally heavy summer for me in a lot of ways. My February post "This World is Not our Home" was only the beginning of several more tragedies to rock our little town with more loss, including the suicide of a recent high school graduate. 

My mom and I flew to Michigan recently to say "goodbye" to my mom's best friend (and the one who led her to Christ nearly 50 years ago).  Loretta was in the end stages of liver cirrhosis, and lost her battle just a couple weeks after our visit. 

Just 2 days before Loretta's "graduation day" a dear friend from Mercy Ships who was battling for several years with cancer lost her battle as well.  For both of these precious saints, it was a long and difficult journey.  They both had asked and believed for healing, and yet still they died.

Where is God in all of this? 

My reading from Max Lucado's "Grace for the Moment" spoke directly to this yesterday.

The problem with this world is that it doesn't fit.  Oh, it will do for now, but it isn't tailor-made.  We were made to live with God, but on earth we live by faith.  We were made to live forever, but on this earth we live but for a moment...

We must trust God.  We must trust not only that He does what is best but that He knows what is ahead.  Ponder the words of Isaiah 57:1-2: "The good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why.  No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead.  For the godly who die shall rest in peace." (TLB)

My, what a thought.  God is taking them away from the evil days ahead.  Could death be God's grace?  Could the funeral wreath be God's safety ring?  As horrible as the grave may be, could it be God's protection from the future?
 
Trust in God, Jesus urges, and trust in me.

I certainly don't understand God's ways, and His reasons for supernaturally healing some, and allowing others to die?  But I do know this...He knows best, and I can trust Him!!

Becoming a Mother Was Costly!

I don't even know where to begin today...I have been reading Facebook posts from mothers who are sharing their joys of parenting, as well as posts from others who find Mothers Day particularly painful, as they desperately long to be mothers and can't understand why not?? 

I am following a couple blogs of women who have recently lost children, and I can't get through a single post without the tears flowing freely.  Today is no different.  There is so much pain in this world!!

Both being a mother and not being a mother can be filled with such loss!

I am feeling the mixed emotions of my journey into motherhood today.  What should have been the most wonderful experience of our lives...the birth of our first child...was filled with so much pain!  Our precious Brianne was born by emergency C-section at just 26 weeks gestation.  She weighed 14 ounces and measured 10 inches long.  When I awoke from anesthesia, I was shown this Polaroid picture of my precious baby girl.

 

A couple hours later, they wheeled my entire bed into the NICU to meet Brianne in person.  I could not imagine how a baby so tiny could possibly survive...our baby!  My first question to the nurse assigned to her care was "Has a baby this small ever survived here?"  She said, "Yes!"  She lied!  (To my knowledge, Bri continues to be the smallest baby ever born at Methodist Medical Center in Dallas to survive).

 

We spent 9 1/2 agonizing months with her in the NICU experiencing several life and death emergencies and many highs and lows.  I truly wondered back then if I would ever laugh again??  I know what it feels like to have a broken heart...I  literally felt physical pain in my heart! 

 

I know that many of you have been there, and some of you might be there today.  Your heart is breaking over something.

 

I wish that I could wrap my arms around each one of you reading this, and tell you that God knows and He cares!  He is truly able to bring beauty from the ashes!

 

 

Isaiah 61 was a prophetic "job description" of Jesus and his mission here on earth.  In John 4:18, Jesus stood up in the synagogue and began to read it,  "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed..."

 

Isaiah 61 goes on to say..."He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn, and to provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair."

 

I can say with all of my heart that God has brought beauty out of my ashes!  And I know that if he did it for me, He will do it for you!!  Sometimes the answer can look differently than we expect, but we can trust that HE knows best!

 

 

It is Finished...He has Done It!

Tapestry
I had a "full circle" moment recently that left me in awe of the Lord!  Have you ever heard the analogy that our life is like a tapestry...that all we see is the knots and threads on the underside, but God sees how all these pieces fit together to make a beautiful picture?  Well, I felt like I had a momentary glimpse of God's handiwork in my life.

CCF
Our daughter Brooke has been dancing with a dance ministry at Community Christian Fellowship, a church right next door to the Mercy Ships' offices, where Wade and I work.  On Easter Sunday, her group danced for both services at "CCF" so our family spent the morning there with my mom and stepdad, who are members of CCF.

Dove award winning, singer-songwriter and worship leader, Paul Baloche leads the worship at CCF, and it is always amazing, to say the least.  He has written several worship songs that many of us sing in our own churches..."Open the Eyes of my Heart" and "Hosanna" just to name a few.

Well, at the Easter service, one of the songs that Paul led us in for worship was called "Victor" and was made popular by the late contemporary Christian musician, Keith Green.  As a teenager, I used to listen to his albums over and over, and this song brought back so many great memories of my early walk with the Lord.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wil0PBylyW0

Keith Green
I was an avid fan of Keith Green and his music and I was devastated when he died at 28 years old in a very unexpected accident...a plane crash...with 2 of his children.  This happened in July of 1982, the summer after I graduated from high school.  Later that year, while I was in my first year of nursing school, I learned about the Keith Green "Memorial" Concerts that were going to be travelling around the country.  I was thrilled to learn that one would be coming to a Michigan city near me.  These concerts were going to be showing a big-screen video of Keith's recent performance at "Jesus West Coast" that had occurred just 6 weeks before he died.

"Call "to Missions
At this concert, Keith shared a vision that he felt he had received from the Lord.  It was a vision of "waves of young people going into the mission field."  He felt that the Lord was asking him to challenge my generation to consider giving our lives to cross-cultural missionary service.  My heart was touched by the Lord that night, and I say "Yes" to the call.  I told the Lord that if He wanted me to go to the mission field, I would go.  I just needed Him to show me when and where?

Mercy Ships
After the concert, there were numerous displays from various mission organizations, particularly those that were open to young people.  One of the displays was giving information about this hospital ship, and a ministry called "Mercy Ships."  Something in my heart lept that day, and I said, "One day I'm going to serve on that ship!"  That was 29 years ago!  And as the say, the rest is history!

City of Faith
But actually, there is more....in my pursuit of serving the Lord as a nurse in missions, I attended the College Missions Conference "Urbana" several months before graduating from nursing school.  I had received counsel from a couple missionary nurses that I had spoken to that I should seek to get some experience in nursing before heading out to the mission field.  I was hoping to find a place where I could pursue ministry and get practical nursing experience at the same time.  I "just happened" to stand behind a man from Tulsa Oklahoma in the lunch line one day who was recruiting new graduate nurses for a Christian hospital called, "City of Faith."  The hospital's vision was very similar to Mercy Ships' vision to provide medical care to those who might not be able to afford it.  This seemed like the perfect match, and within a few months, I was headed to Tulsa.

Teen Mania
While living in Tulsa, I was listening to the local Christian radio station one day, and I heard about this new ministry forming, called "Teen Mania."  Recent Oral Roberts University graduates, Ron and Katie Luce, were advertising on the radio, looking for those who had a heart to reach the teenagers of our generation, and I was prompted to respond.  I spent several months participating in weekend retreats with Teen Mania, travelling to surrounding towns and sharing the love of Jesus with young people, before I felt the Lord leading me to relocate to Madison, Wisconsin.

City Church
My mom had moved there just a few years earlier, and I had considered pursuing further education at the University of Wisconsin. That was my plan, but in retrospect, I believe that the Lord's plan was for me to connect with a wonderful church, City Church (formerly called MGT), that "sent" me into the mission field in 1988 to serve with Mercy Ships, and has faithfully supported me (and my family) ever since.

Tying it all Together
So...fast forward almost 30 years. I am a missionary, living in Van, Texas working with Mercy Ships, just a few miles from Keith Green's "Last Days Ministries" property where his plane crash took place.  That property is now owned and operated by Teen Mania ministries, run by Ron and Katie Luce.  Many of the Teen Mania staff and interns attend CCF, where our daughter dances, and with whom she is going on her first mission trip to Panama this summer.

As I sang that Victor song on Easter Sunday, I felt as though I was getting a quick glimpse of the "top side" of the tapestry that was my life.  I could not have put all those pieces together if I had tried!

I was once again reminded that our creative Father has an amazing plan for each of our lives, and all He asks of us is to take the next step!  We don't have to figure out how it all fits together, He is fully able to do that! 

Jeremiah 29:11-12 says, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

As my former beloved pastor, Warren Heckman, used to say, "The Christian life is pretty simple...Read, Pray and Obey Every Day!"

The Kiss Heard 'Round the World!

It was several months ago that I learned that former President George W. and Laura Bush were going to be hosting an event for Mercy Ships in Dallas.  I didn't know any of the details, but I did know I WANTED TO BE THERE!  I was informed that there would be very few Mercy Ships staff who would participate with this event, so I should not expect to be included.

I remember praying at that time, "Lord, I would be willing to scrub toilets with toothbrushes if I could just be present at this event."  You see, I loved Pres. George W. and Laura Bush when they were in office, and I love them even more now!  It breaks my heart to see how they have been demonized and blamed for so many of our country's problems even now...more than 4 years after the fact!  They have not tried to defend themselves nor speak against the current Administration, and for that, they have won my deepest respect.

I didn't agree with all of the policies of the Bush administration or decisions that were made, but I can honestly say that I prayed more for President Bush and his family than any other President before him (or after...which is convicting me even as I write it).  And, it's amazing what can happen when you regularly pray for someone!

As much as I wanted to ask someone to please let the Coxes be involved...I even considered playing my "we've served for 25 years with Mercy Ships" card...but I felt from the Lord that I was NOT to ask. 

Imagine my surprise when we received an email from the coordinator of the event asking if we would participate?  Yipppeeeee!!!!  "Yes, yes, yes, yes...!"

So, this past Saturday, April 6th, Wade and I made our way to the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Dallas to join the other Mercy Ships staff who were helping with this event.  We had been told in advance to keep our expectations low when it came to the possibility of meeting or getting a photo with Pres. and Mrs. Bush.  The invited guests would be getting photos, but the Mercy Ships staff would only do so if time permitted.  So, once again, I went to my Heavenly Father, and submitted my request.

I was assigned to take purses and nametags at the table where the photos were being taken...the Secret Service required that no one carry anything in their hands when they got their picture taken.  I was literally just a couple yards away from the First Couple as they were meeting and greeting the guests and saying "Cheese!"  I was pinching myself and thanking the Lord for this amazing opportunity!

And then the word came that all of the Mercy Ships staff would be allowed to get a photograph with Pres. and Mrs. Bush!  I felt like a giddy teenager going on a first date...nervous and excited all at the same time!  As we got closer and closer in the line, the emotion came over me like a wave, and I started to cry.  "Oh no, Sharon, don't cry," I chided myself.  "Take a deep breath," my friend Carrie suggested. 

Before I knew it, Wade and I were standing in front of this amazing couple, whom I deeply admired, respected, and had interceded for, and the tears were rolling down my cheeks.  I don't remember exactly what I said to them, but I told them how much we love and respect them.  And just like a loving father, President George W. Bush leaned over and kissed my cheek, and said, "Don't cry!"

I know that this will sound corny, but at that moment, I felt like the Lord was giving me a kiss, and saying to me, "I love you daughter, and I delight in giving you good gifts!"

Several have asked me if I have washed my cheek since then?  Yes, I have washed my cheek, but I will NEVER forget that moment!

It was an awesome reminder to me that our Heavenly Father knows the desires of our heart, and he loves to exceed our hopes and dreams!   Keep hoping and believing friends!  You never know what the Lord might be up to.

p.s.  The Bush's personal photographer took the pictures that evening and will be sending them to us when they are completed.  I will be sure and post the photo when we have it!  I don't think the photographer captured "the kiss" but we did get a photo taken with the First Couple.